Exodus 20:12: honouring is not the same as obeying
12Honor your father and your mother, so that you may have a long life upon the land, which the Lord your God will give to you.
The verse this page is about.
Short answer
Exodus 20:12 commands honour toward father and mother, with the promise of a long life on the land God was giving the people. The promise is corporate, tied to Israel remaining on that land, rather than an individual guarantee of longevity. And the verb is honour, not obey in everything.
- Written by
- Raphael Navarro Schmitt
- Reviewed by
- Maria Luisa Navarro Schmitt
- Published on
- Reading time
- 2 min read
It is the only commandment in the ten with a promise attached, which is usually read as a personal exchange: honour and live longer. The original sentence has a different scope, and the rest of the Old Testament confirms which.
It is also one of the hardest commandments to hear for anyone who grew up in a difficult house. Worth reading carefully what it actually asks, because a hurried reading costs a lot for people who have already paid.
Where this verse appears
The verse sits inside the ten commandments, delivered to a people just out of Egypt and about to organise themselves as a society. It opens the second half of the list, the half dealing with relationships between people.
The land mentioned is not a metaphor: it is the promised territory the people did not yet hold. The promise is about staying on it, and the whole Old Testament will go on to deal with losing that land when the commandments are abandoned.
What it says
The Hebrew verb behind honour carries the idea of weight — giving someone substance, treating them as counting for something. In the world of the text that had a concrete shape: securing food and dignity for parents in old age, in a society with no pension of any kind.
Notice that the commandment is not addressed to small children. The law is received by the adult community, and the practical obligation falls on offspring old enough to support someone. That shifts the application: it is less about obedience and more about not abandoning.
The text does not command obedience in everything, or at any age, and it says nothing about staying where violence is happening. Christians differ on what honour requires in cases of abuse and estrangement, and this page does not settle particular cases — but it is worth recording that physical distance and honour are not automatically in conflict.
What to do with it today
If your relationship with your parents is good, the commandment asks for something simple and frequently postponed: presence, time, practical care as they age. One visit on the calendar is worth more than a repeated intention.
If the relationship is hard, start with the minimum question: what would honour look like without exposing myself again? Sometimes it is not speaking badly of them in public, arranging basic care from a distance, or simply not passing on what you received. None of that requires pretending the history was different.
What the passages say
2Honor your father and your mother. This is the first commandment with a promise:
3so that it may be well with you, and so that you may have a long life upon the earth.
Paul takes the commandment up and points specifically at the promise. Notice that he widens the scope: where Exodus spoke of one particular land, the phrasing here is general.
22Listen to your father, who conceived you. And do not despise your mother, when she is old.
The same demand set in a domestic scene, with a revealing detail: not despising your mother once she is old. It confirms that the underlying subject is the care of ageing parents.
A prayer to carry with you
Lord, you know my house and what happened in it. Teach me to honour my parents truthfully, without lying and without cruelty. Heal what still hurts, and keep me from repeating it. Amen.